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This question comes from a dear friend who has a big heart and is incredibly caring and compassionate. It is a great question, my friend, and one I struggle with at times. My approach tends to be:

. . . and look for a way to fix it. This does not work well when I am trying to fix the lives of others; really does not work at all. Our loved ones need to find the solutions to their life problems on their own. The question remains, what can we do as we see them going through a difficult time? We can listen, send presents, spend time or refer. This we can do to help our loved ones.

Listen. The human body contains two ears and one mouth. What does this mean? Does it mean we should listen twice as much as we speak?

My belief is most people just want to be heard. I remember Joann Fury saying one of the benefits Sister Jean offers through Spiritual Direction is to let you tell your story until you don’t need to tell it anymore. This is huge. I believe this world is a good place; however, some of the stories I hear of what people undergo takes my breath away. We all have had dark times in our lives. These stories need to be heard so they can be released from our heart and soul. When they are not heard by a gentle, compassionate listener, they can get trapped and do damage to our spirit. What can we do? We can listen. We can say, “I am here.” We can say, “I will walk with you through this time of darkness.” We can fill our heart and soul with the love we feel for this person and let it radiate to them during their time of need. Note to self: Keep my mouth shut.

Presents and Time. Send cards or presents, knit or crochet a prayer shawl, chocolate is always good. This is something you can do, which will be greatly appreciated. Sending a card with a personal note can “help” your loved one. Valentine’s Day is coming. What fun to send Valentines to all your loved ones. I love knitting prayer shawls. When someone I know is going through a difficult time, I want so much to make the pain go away. I know I cannot. I do know I can knit this loved one a shawl and pour love and blessings into it as I knit. This is also very therapeutic for me. Chocolate. Need I say more? I remember my sister-in-law telling me time is the greatest gift. Spend time with your loved one, listening or doing something fun. My daughter is in need of a Mom fix. I am off for a day of food, presents and chocolate, to watch movies, sit in the hot tub and have a facial at the hotel spa. Ahh… Note to self: Do not send self-help books that I think would be beneficial.

Referral. Does your loved one need professional help in terms of counseling or medication? My daughter is going through a difficult time. I was ready to clearly define her problem and what she should do about it. I asked Sandy if she thought this was a good idea. She thought for a brief moment and said no. I later told Sister Jean about this. Her reply was “You are her mother, not her counselor. You can love her and that is all.” Does your loved one need more than to be listened to, receive presents and time? If so, this is a gift you can give them, to suggest they get the professional help they need. We live in a wonderful time where there is medication, counseling, and alternative therapies that can be very helpful during difficult times.

I will be discussing depression on my radio show with Mike Reling on Eagle 101.5, Wednesday, February 3. On March 3, I will be discussing anxiety. You can tune in or you can listen to the show and read my handout on my website later in the week. Note to self: Love and listen to your loved ones, don’t counsel.

We cannot fix another’s life as much as we want to scoop them up and make it all better. What we can do is say, “I am here! I will walk with you during this time of difficulty.” Sending a card and presents are always greatly appreciated. Time is the greatest gift. Finally, does your loved one need more help than you can give? Make an honest appraisal of where they are and what you are trying to fix. Also ask if you are enabling them in any way. If so, refer them to a professional who can help in a clear and objective manner.

There are two tasks for you to do over the next two weeks:

1. Look around. Does someone in your life need to be listened to, receive presents, have time spent with or be referred? Offer “help” to this person.
2. Send Valentines to your loved ones.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

With love ~ Mary